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For all the worry about women defining themselves as snowflakes or victims, the defense offered to Ansari sounds much more cossetting than comforting.What virtuous man would feel relieved to be told he is powerless to avoid harming the women he takes to bed?
Who would be put at ease, after seeing a woman in tears, to be told that it’s not his fault, he couldn’t help it, there’s no way for him to know — he’s not a mind reader.
If sex is always such a blind leap, with no way to take care of your partner, what good man could have an assignation and respect in the morning.
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But that was where “Grace” (a pseudonym) went to express what she didn’t have a way to say No to Ansari — that he had hounded her physically; pressured her to go farther, faster than she wanted; and left her feeling wretched after their night together.
Grace spoke up, she said, because she saw Ansari wearing a “Times Up” pin and supporting the #Me Too movement, and she couldn’t see how he reconciled his support of women generally with the way he treated her particularly. But if Aziz Ansari is reading all the think pieces about him, he must feel most ill-served by his allies. Of Not Being a Mind Reader.” wrote Bari Weiss for , exonerating Ansari in a singularly insulting way.
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Both must become a habit, before it is possible to offer the gift of one’s sexuality to another.
These virtues are a prerequisite to the other step Ansari and Grace skipped: getting to know the other person, to the point where you do know their nonverbal signals, because you see and know them in all their particularity.
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